I can’t write. I can’t work. I can’t laugh. I can’t cry. My throat is distended with not saying what needs to be said. My hands are stilled by not doing what needs to be done.
I am really very good at not talking about things. I recognize that this is a grossly counterproductive character trait for a blogger.
Everything and nothing is happening and until I get to the place where I have even a singular answer, I don’t know how to talk about any of it.
And so I’m doing anything but dealing with all of this inside of myself. Part of that is good: it’s detaching, it’s letting go, and it’s acknowledging that my life can and will continue even if everything I think mattered has come to a screeching halt. Part of that is not good, however: it’s denying, it’s avoiding, it’s getting all worked up over researching bacon because I can’t let myself get all worked up about everything else. Did you know that there is bacon flavored personal lubricant? This is an actual thing, people.
I also got the hell out of Dodge for a minute, which was way more helpful than I ever thought it could be. I am, by nature, a runner. I run away from that which hurts me, and so far, it’s a trait that has served me decently well in life. I have a stunning ability to disappear in plain sight.
It’s a crappy coping mechanism, but it’s mine. I let time handle the impossible business of healing what is otherwise incurable, and I convince myself the scars that will never heal, have. Abandonment Issue Angel sits on my shoulder telling me to just gogogogo.
So I went to Happyland. It was awesome. I had unapologetic fun. I went to bed at 9:30pm my first full night there because I have forgotten how to sleep these past few weeks. I went to bed at 2:30am my last night there because I had forgotten how to get silly drunk with my friends in a hot tub.
And I talked. I talked about the things that I am not ready to talk about here, and it helped. I always forget how many people are willing to help you run your guns, if you only ask. I came back feeling a little bit lighter, a little bit more able to do the next thing that I have to do.
Even if I don’t know what that is, exactly, just yet.